free.to.be
"I will do nothing lightly. When I walk, I will walk heavily. When I fight, I will fight with conviction. When I speak, I will speak strongly. When I feel, I will feel everything. When I love, I will love with everything."
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Feeling lost.
Everybody is suppose to have a place in this world, right? That’s what I have been told my entire life - for as long as I can remember. But so far, I feel like I have done a horrible job at finding my place. I never felt like I had a place in my hometown, so I moved away. I felt even more out of place in Fort Collins, so I moved away. And each time I feel a little closer to developing a place here something pulls me back and makes me feel like I failed again.
What happens when you’re too shy? Too anxious? Too nervous to find “your place?” I am trying my hardest to develop a sense of me here because obviously moving 3 times in 3 years is a little excessive, but I have become so discouraged that I am not sure there is a place for me anywhere.
I go through the motions, daily. I think I’m happy but then I come back to my apartment - a place I have very much made into a home, where I feel comfortable and safe - but I also feel alone. I have never had a million friends. I was never the popular girl. But the friends I did have meant the world to me and I would’ve done absolutely anything for them. I started to think THAT was my place in the world - being a friend. But being friended in return seems far and few between. I hate being selfish and depressive, but my circle of friends seems to be dwindling and so my place is disappearing as well.
Whenever I address the question of how I find myself and find my place I recieve answers such as:
- You must find God first.
- You must find YOU first.
- You must go out and make friends first.
But what happens when none of these work? Finding God has left me lost. Trying to find me has left me confused. And going out and making friends seems to get tougher the older I get.
All I know is I am tired of feeling alone. And I don’t want anybody to tell me finding God and myself and friends will fix it. Because thus far, it hasn’t. Or maybe, I have failed at trying. Either way - my place is disappearing and I don’t know how to get it back.
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Before & After
In life there is a Before and After. Now, this Before and After is a little bit different for everyone, but no matter who you are there is definitely a Before and After.
There is life Before the change and life After the change.
My life before my ‘change’ is not one I am considerably proud to tell. I remember a life full of chaos and misunderstandings. I don’t think I was proud of myself or my actions because I didn’t have a reason to be proud. I was too busy making everybody else happy. My family came last. I remember feeling shameful and reckless, because Before my change I was invincible.
Life After has been a whirlwind of emotions: joy, frustration, accomplishment, disappoint, fear. I still live a life full of chaos but one I would gladly own up to; a life of misunderstandings followed by moments of clarity and hope. I am proud of myself. I still have my rainy days, but I never forget that sometimes the most beautiful realizations in life are discovered after they have been washed clean. My family comes first. I have grown to love myself in a way that only He could love me. I still know feelings of shame and recklessness, but I know that I am forgiven and loved inspight of these flaws.
In everybody’s life there is a Before and After and my After is just beginning to unfold.
